Losing a Friend

Have you ever lost a close friend? I dont mean by death or relocation, I mean by one person deciding they no longer want or need the friendship. Unfortunately this is a very real side effect of the infertility vs pregnancy war.


While I can sort of understand it, I personally have never been one able to just cut people out of my life. I wish that I could be there for her because I feel like I have support that I could offer her. She on the other hand, cannot be around me or communicate with me due to #2. It totally sucks. I know it sounds selfish of me to say, but I miss my friend. I dont care that we dont talk about what's going on with me at all, I just miss her and wish I could still be part of her life. I know I have to respect her decision though and all I can do is pray that she gets through this and we can one day be friends again.

Long week

It has been a LOOONG week and Zach has definitely not been himself. Damn teething. I can see he has molars coming in...the 4 points are cut but there is still fleshy gum in the center so I know we are not over yet! I just hope it ends SOON! It has really tested me for sure. I have not been feeling the best this week and with his craziness going on, my usual patience with him has not been at its best. I actually apologized to him yesterday because I know he can't help but....but for an hour plus yesterday he was just CRYING! Holds on to the leg with arms up to be picked up. I pick him up, and he arches back and flails his arms to get down. Milk? Throw it across the room. Food? Throw it on the floor to Esther. Fever? No. Dirty Diaper? No. Gotta be the teeth again. But he is rolling around the floor and hysterical and nothing I do can calm him! I think about calling a Catholic Priest for an exorcism but I am not Catholic and don't think protestant ministers do things like that. I ended up doing my trick from Saturday.....wrapping him in a blanket like he is in a straightjacket swaddle and then just rock him till he can calm himself down. I was able to get some oragel and teething tablets in him too during this episode which I am sure helped. He totally crashed and was out for at least an hour before he woke up...now happy as a clam! WTH!

But the worst part about all this is it has me doubting that I can do this all again and be good at it?? Is there not enough time in between the two kids and is Zach going to get the shaft now in having his time to be a baby? Will he be able to adjust and be okay with less attention? Can I HANDLE two and not lose my sanity? Will we be poor with 2 so close together? Zach was an easy baby but harder now...what if #2 is the opposite or God forbid....COLICKY??? All I know is this baby will be here before we know it and I need to figure out how this is all going to work out if that's possible (and I don't mean that badly because I am beyond happy to BE pregnant again and have a baby again and to give Z a sibling!) I just keep reminding myself of two things 1) God never gives us more than we can handle and 2) what my OB said...hers are 20 months apart too....the first 2 years are hard and then its great! Built in playmate! Just praying that these 2 toots get along and remind myself that I am not in control and He has a plan!

Infertility to fertility???

It's kind of a strange place to be.  Please don't misinterpret this post, I am not at all over looking the huge blessing we have received.  I am so excited and beyond thankful about this #2 but still nervous every day...can it really be real?  Like I am waiting for the shoe to drop...How did it take so long and so much effort and help with Zachary and not this time?  Why did it happen again for us when others are still trying for #1?  Questions I can never answer but do wonder a lot.  I rest in the faith that it has absolutely nothing to do with Matt or I and everything to do with His plan for these lives He has created or may want to bring into other people's hearts and lives.  

For those that never had to deal with infertility, this post probably doesn't even make sense.  I wish I knew more people who were in this category.  Unfortunately I know WAY too many who have been touched by miscarriages and infertility.  

So what happens when you "cross over" from trying to actually having a child...however the little miracle may have been created or through adoption or donors?  Are you suddenly "cured"...a success?  No longer able to feel/remember the hurt and pain of your journey to get there?  I once heard someone refer to infertility as a scar....it may heal and become less visible but it is always something that is a part of you.  And I think that is totally right!  Are my experiences now null and void because I have a baby and another on the way....especially since #2 was without assistance this time?

The problem is for me, that even though I am pregnant again, I STILL feel like I am in the "infertile club", yet they don't accept me because I am not.  I am suddenly unable to relate (even if I can) and don't know how they are feeling (even though I do) because my story ended up with a baby.  And now again.  I worry about asking how people are or giving advice for the fear that they are thinking "what does she know or how can she relate now?"  Do I just shut up and not say anything to people who are ttc??

Since its my blog, I know that all sounds very selfish or self-righteous or pity me and some may think...why should I?  You are pregnant again and already have a healthy little boy!   But I cant help but feel a little lost in the middle.  Like I am unable to fully celebrate #2 because I know SO many others who are still in the trenches of TTC...i feel GUILTY for being happy!  I worry about being overly excited  because it may hurt someones feelings.  When people make comments about the kids being so close, I going into a spiel about how it took us a long time the first time, blah blah blah.  Why do I do that?  Why can't I just be excited and not feel guilty that we have another blessing on the way?

So anyway, it feels good to get some of that out.  I miss my friends who are ttc and just pray that their  journeys work out one way or another....and sooner than later.  And I will be here waiting!!

I have another blog....

Google sent me an email about a month ago telling me to update my password or something and I found I had started another blog that I never did anything with.  Looking at the date it started....summer of 2006, I am guessing I was going to start blogging about infertility and trying to have a baby but for whatever reason decided not to share.  I don't like to think back too much about that what seemed like an eternity and was only a year and half.  Although, I am at a place know where I can accept that HE had bigger plans, bigger than me, and his name is Zachary.  So although I suffered, it brought about one VERY special little boy that never would have been had I been one of the average women who get pregnant in 0-6 months.  

So here we are now...pregnant with #2.  And I have lots of thoughts and emotions going on that I am sure people don't want to read about on the Adventures of Z Man!  And that's when I came back to this blog...I have it, why not use it?  So here we go.  Read if you want.  Some will be happy, some may be sad, some may be who knows what!  Come along for the ride!

Trying out this whole blogging thing

So I'm new to this whole blogging thing, but the phenomenon has created enough of a buzz to have me try it out! So, here we go! Don't have anything in particular to write about, but I am sure I will come up with something! :-)